Today is my son’s one-year birthday. I can’t believe that it was a year ago today that I was back in Frederick at our condo, giving birth to my baby boy, Aidan. It was my first home-birth and he was my VBAC baby, two accomplishments that collided into one great adventure on a beautiful May day.
I think back over the last year and I am amazed at the places I have been within myself that I never knew I could visit. I’ve discovered many aspects about my life that I want to change, things I want to get rid of, feelings I have grown from and depths I did not know I was capable of extending to. My son has inspired many thoughts and feelings that I could not have had with out him in my life. He has added even more joy to my life as a mother and has cemented my love for my children even more-so than before. I remember just the other day, he was having some sort of moment with his sister and they were both laughing so hysterically, I thought my heart would burst with happiness over theirs. I find it especially moving when a one year old can be filled with so much joy over- what I perceived as- nothing.
Today my son looks older to me, bigger, and I can’t help but feel a slight shadowing of my heart at the inevitability that some day he will be much older, much bigger, and he won’t need me the way he needs me now and he won’t squeal with happiness with his sister over “nothing” and he won’t glide through the house carefree and full of the knowledge that someone is taking care of him, that he has nothing to worry about. I only hope that even though he won’t be on that level of free spiritedness and joy, that he will still know that there is Someone taking care of him and he still has nothing to worry about. But how I do teach him this? When do I start? Now, when he can’t really understand so that it’s always in the background of his mind, always a flicker of knowledge in his heart, so that some day when he does understand what I am saying, he can say ‘yes, Mom, I’ve always known…” and really mean that?
Happy Birthday Aidan! You are loved and no matter where you go or what you do, your Father in Heaven is watching over you and you never have anything to worry about.
With the news of my pregnancy with my third child, I have grown more weary over the fact that life is completely out of my control. But at the same time, knowing Whose control it’s in gives me peace once I realize that it doesn’t matter where my path goes or what I am doing, as long as I have His hand to guide me. My children are really His children and I have only the few blinks of His eye in the whole span of time for them to be called mine.
I have caught a bit of negativity from people over this new baby and I find it hard to be able speak in a way that helps them to understand God’s place in my life, every aspect of it, including and especially this one. I remember one of my friends once telling me I sounded corny when I spoke of God in my life. I understand what she means but at the same time, I know she has no clue what it’s like to want to give up your life to Someone Who you can’t see and don’t have tangible proof that He exists. But then again, can’t our children be considered tangible proof that God is real? Babies especially are mirrors of God’s love for us, His faith in us as His children shining through the faces of ours. How can you look into a baby’s eyes and not know that God exists and that everything is because, for, about and in praise of Him?
We have not told Joe’s family yet. I think we’re both leery of even the thought that there might be some negative response to the news. Neither of us are ready for that. With things that have transpired over the past few years, it wouldn’t surprise either of us but at the same time, we are always hoping that it will not be the case. We are always hoping that they’ll be completely overjoyed at the idea of a new baby just because it is proof of God’s work in our lives, one of His greatest gifts to human beings. I think we both are always praying that the hearts of his family can be more open with things like this. This isn’t to say that they are horrible people, because they’re not. They are wonderful people. I just think that the world has taken its toll on them and they don’t know how to be any different.
I am blessed to have the kind of family that knows with every ounce of their being that we can not be subject to the general nature of today’s world. We have to keep sight of the truth of God’s promise of Love for us and His absolute power over us. A lot of people think that just because my family is big, we all want big families of our own and aren’t being realistic when it comes to having babies, etc. This is just not true. I actually would rather not have a big family, even though there are countless benefits and blessings that come with having many siblings that I wouldn’t want my children to miss out on. But I know myself and I know that I sometimes allow difficulties to drag me down further than other people; and it is difficult to have a big family.
But I grew up knowing, having solid proof, that no matter what situation we were in, God always took care of us, He always provided for us. I don’t need anything trying to muck up my faith in Him, especially not when it’s coming from friends and family who are supposed to be loving and supportive without “secret” feelings of their own that they hide behind pasted on smiles and only speak of when we’re not around or who are overly annoying about their thoughts on the subject. Our God is an awesome God and He never gives us anymore than we are capable of handling.