Today I am very sad and contemplative over a news story I first heard about on t.v. and then read about on AOL news. A 23 year old woman and 3 of her 4 young daughters were found hanging in a closet this morning in Texas. It is believed to be a murder-suicide deal. As I am thinking of this, I am grieving over the loss of those children and left wondering what went through their mother’s head as she was tying them up to hang? Her 4th child, a mere 8 months old, was also hung but somehow miraculously survived the hanging and is said to be in good condition at a nearby hospital.
My heart aches at the thought that any mother could do something so horrific but at the same time, I wonder if there is something about being a mother that causes such crazy thoughts that lead a mother to do something like that. I am going to be completely real here and say that there have been times when the angry thought of throwing my child against a wall or putting a pillow over my screaming baby’s face have flashed through my mind in a millisecond when I’ve been completely overwhlemed. But at the same time, I have that filter that enables me to realize that the tiny flash of a thought is like a red flag for me, telling me I’m getting too caught up in the desparation of my child’s neediness and I need to take a second to breathe. And I do. And everything is fine. It’s not even a second thought in my head. Ever. I have been told it’s completely normal to have such feelings, especially when I was a new mom in a less than ideal situation and everything for me was so crazy.
So what is it that makes these mothers go beyond that little flash of craziness in their minds and allow it to bypass that filter, plan out such a brutal thing and carry their plan to fruition? Is it the situation that they’re in? Is it, as some cases have panned out, a mental thing? Apparently, there have been several other mothers in Texas in the past 5 or so years that have killed their children, one committing suicide afterwards as well. In this case, is it location? They were all found not guilty by reason of insanity but I’m not sure I buy that whole insanity plea thing completely.
Can it be that they go temporarily insane?
This woman lived in a trailor with 4 young children and no husband around. Can it be said that her situation, as stressful as it probably was, be the cause for her “temporary insanity?”
It’s times like these that I have to ask God “why?” He gave this woman those children, knowing she was going to take their lives. I don’t understand this part of the “big picture” but I have to believe that there is an even bigger picture, a huge part that I can’t see and if I only could, then I’d know why. But right now, right here, on earth, it is not meant to be seen. I have to remember my faith in a God who gives and takes as He sees fit for His purposes, a God who allows us free will but at the same time has a perfect will of His own that will make sense to us when we are in eternity with Him. We are not meant to understand these things and I think that their purpose is to help us turn to Him and allow it to strengthen our faith in Him.
As a mother, I am horrified over the idea that someone could actually murder their own children. Regardless of the circumstances or reasons or mental status, I can not wrap my mind around such a heart-wrenching occurance. I look at the faces of my children and even when they’re screaming, I feel such a love for them that I could never adequately describe in even the most heart-warming concoction of words. I look at their big blue eyes and even when they’re filled with angry tears I see a beautiful innocense and light that I am completely convinced is the face of God. How does one see something other than that in their children? Something that apparently is so horrible that they can’t stand the thought of them taking one more breath?
Being the mother of a 2 ½ year old, I can attest to the fact that I have been so angry I sometimes couldn’t even think straight, over something she did or how she was acting toward me. But at the same time, I know that as her mother, it is my job to teach her to be different. She is, after all, acting her age. How can one be so completely in disregard for this fact that they would take whatever they are feeling and turn on their children with it? Is there really such a thing as blind rage?
I am completely lost over this whole thing today and I feel as though I’m just babbling on with whatever thoughts come into my head, rational or not. I apologize to anyone reading this if it doesn’t make any sense. Perhaps I can come back tomorrow and edit. Right now, I have to go hug my children.