I haven't written in a while and I apologize to anyone following my blog. It hasn't been very interesting, huh?
Today I had this huge melt down and I started to feel kind of crazy inside, catching an even bigger glimpse than I had before of why some mothers really just can't handle being good mothers or why some even go as far as hurting their children. I have had a rough couple of weeks, an even rougher couple of days. Most of this lies where my children are concerned; disciplining them, taking care of them, dealing with their day to day emotions and personalities as they are constantly testing me and figuring out what to do to really push me. (As is normal for children to do.) Today, after one small instance when my daughter upset me and I went to my room to scream into my pillow, I came out to find that I had been gone what apparently was far too long because they had enough time to find the Desitan and squeeze most of the tube all over themselves and the rug. At that point, I lost it. I started shrieking and screaming and crying and wondering why they would do this "to me" and as I started to run a bath and put them in to scrub them down, I couldn't control my hysteria and I just kept sobbing and muttering about how I couldn't do this anymore and how much I hated "you."
And I was so angry with God and I'm pretty sure it was Him that I felt like I hated at this point.
After all, why would He give me these horrible children that would do something so awful to upset me and why would He allow me to become pregnant once again when I can barely take care of the two I already have?
Of course, this was my hysteria thinking, not that I actually feel this way when I am calm. Of course the children are going to get into whatever they can get their hands on, it's my job to keep stuff like that out of their reach. And wouldn't it have been a completely different scenario if I came out to find that they had gotten into a medicine bottle or some cleaner?
And of course He's going to continue to allow me to become pregnant with children if that is His will because I left it completely up to Him to control this aspect of my life and was willing to accept and love any children He gave to me. After all, it is our privilege as women to be given such gifts and who are we to refuse them?
But at the same time, is there room for me to "plan" at all and do I have the right to say not at this time, Lord?
I struggle with this issue, especially after having several discussions with different people in my life who all have different scenarios and feel strongly about it in different ways.
This may sound awful but I still haven't come to the point in this pregnancy where I actually want this baby and it really kills me to feel this way. My husband tells me that's not normal and I shouldn't feel that way but I have to wonder if it really is just a normal reaction to the situation I feel I'm in? It hasn't helped being harassed in the beginning from certain people about our "choice" to get pregnant again. And it hasn't helped that my daughter is just at that age where she's really starting to test her limits and boundaries with me. It hasn't helped that I just can't seem to make a decision about what I want and how I feel most days.
When will I come to the point of being excited and happy about this pregnancy, having the joy that comes with doing God's will and allowing Him the power over these things?