Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Friday, August 10, 2007

Juggling Act

I've been contemplating lately my positions in life; as wife, as mother, as a child of God, as a writer. I have a hard time making time for every aspect of my character and I feel like when I concentrate on one more than the others, the others sort of just fall a little. I am trying so hard to do all the things I need to do but I don't know how to juggle them all properly so that I can do them all the best way. But my fears and insecurities within each position have made me feel like maybe I am just not going to ever be good enough at any of them.

Being a writer...

I've struggled with the idea that I am really meant to be writing on a regular basis, working toward something major. This idea has played around in my mind for several years but I have had so many distractions I've allowed to push it into a small corner in the back of my mind. Not distractions like being a mother and being a wife, those are very important, obviously. But distractions like several direct sales businesses I never really was interested in except maybe this last one. Distractions like the chaos in my head or the melancholy in my heart. Distractions like regret from the past or hurts that have yet to heal, wounds still open and raw and throbbing with the need to be closed.

Being a child of God...

As a child of God, I know I am supposed to obey what He tells me and I always say I'm willing to do what He wants me to do. But then He tells me what to do and I am instantly afraid. I am often asked to do things that are exceptionally hard, things that make me go out of my comfort zone, that often cause me some pain. And sometimes I am able to tell myself that the pain is from growing, the unknown path will soon be familiar, the hardship will make me stronger. But other times, I am weak and feel so small and insignificant in my ability to do what is being asked. This fear creeps its way into my other positions and makes it hard to breathe in the seemingly thin air of the duties they entail as well.

Being a mother...

The imperfections I face in myself each day, the ones that I am aware of even when I look in the mirror after feeling like I've scrubbed them off in the hot shower, have hurt my ability to really be the kind of mother I know I'm supposed to be. Specifically, a long time ago, there was this anger that controlled me, that I allowed to all but destroy me completely. Then I got some help with it and learned to tame it and for the longest time, I thought it didn't really exist anymore. But it comes out in small ways when my children are behaving badly and it comes out when I feel suffocated by my obligations to them.

Being a wife...

And then there is the position of being a wife, the one I have a really tough time with. Things between me and my husband didn't exactly start out the way things normally do between two people who end up getting married. But we dug really deep and found a small seed of love and decided to nurture it as best we could and make it grow. But we didn't really leave room for each of our imperfections, our flaws and the humanly sinful nature in each of us. I've had a tough time being able to see past his and I am sure he's been struggling to see past mine as well.

The thing is...

Even though all of these things are separate positions in my life, they all intertwine and go hand-in-hand with each other. Each one affects the others and that juggling act I've been trying to do must be perfected, even if the positions that make it up never are. My biggest fear, I think, is the one of not being able to really be a good mother and seeing how each of my other positions has often affected my motherhood makes me doubly afraid. God gave me these children. Me. And I'm blessed, flattered and elated but I'm also surprised, fearful and totally in awe. Because it's not just that two people made love and created some babies. It's that God put these babies in our lives. He trusted us with three of His priceless treasures and I cannot begin to fathom the intensity and sincerity required to truly accept the position of taking care of them the way they need to be taken care of. With all the other 'balls' I'm juggling, how do I make sure I don't hinder their life in ways that will scar them? How do I make sure I nurture their growth, allow them to be who they are meant to be and make sure they understand that they are God's children? And do all this in spite of my failings, my imperfections and my struggle with my other positions?

Is it possible that I need to learn to juggle them all in the right order and if they fall, it will just be into place?

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