Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Confused – Weekly challenge through, August 21, 2007

Since I haven't posted in a while and I don't really have much time to really think and draw my thoughts outward because I'd rather be napping while the kids are, I am posting a copy of an article I wrote for a weekly challenge at It goes with my occasional allusion to not really knowing what I'm doing in my life! :-)

“What’s your purpose?”

I hear the question so loud in my mind, I am sure someone else has asked it. But it is just me, asking myself a question so clear, yet with as distorted an answer as ever. After all, I have asked myself a million times what my purpose is.

Five years ago, I would have been at such a loss to even begin to answer this question. It always confused me, the answer evading my understanding as quickly and easily as the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. I was living a life that did not leave room for questions such as these. It did not allow for moments to reflect on the confusion of my existence. It only allowed for the pain and emptiness I felt having neglected finding out the answer, while subconsciously knowing it desperately needed one.

Three years ago, my purpose was to take care of myself and the life I carried within my womb. An unexpected change to my life that made my future path seem even more obscure.

And now, my purpose seems to be that of a wife and a mother. But there’s still something missing, or so I always feel.

Could there be more?

The emptiness I have always felt is still there, only smaller as I have filled my life with several purposes. But I can’t help but reflect on the fact that my mother once told me I was meant to do great things. During a prayer session with several of her friends, in an exceptionally hard time in her life, my mother prayed for her seven children, worried and fearful of what was to become of us. And all at once, her friends started telling her that the Lord said to them that He will do great things through each of us.

I know the importance of being a good wife and a good mother, characters in life led by God’s holy word. But is this the extent of the greatness I am to do for Him and if so, why do I still feel so lost?

Am I making it up, that emptiness I feel? Is Satan playing a game with me? Am I just unable to see the measures of greatness the Lord has placed in the aspects of being a wife and mother? I am always perplexed as I wonder if there is still something else, is it there and I just don’t see it? Do I hear the answer, His answer, and just pretend I can’t? Because I am not ready. Because I am afraid.

I feel in my heart that I am so willing to do what He asks of me but at the same time, I am unsure as to whether I am actually ready to take that last step over the edge into being completely obedient and willing, which is what this greatness would require of me. How do I know what His path for me is? When will I hear His voice, leading me in the direction He wishes for me to go? And if I never do anything other than be a good wife and a good mother, will He say to me as I enter the gates of Heaven, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant’?