It seems as though my intentions for this blog have dwindled a little, as I seem to post but once a month now. Being pregnant with my third baby and the daily routine of having two other very energetic children under 3 has really taken its toll on my intentions for a lot of things! But I think this is just the norm. for someone who is dedicated to her family and is desparately searching for answers to many questions regarding her life.
In any case, here I am at 9:15 on a Wednesday night. My husband is at his second job, which he took so that we could have benefits to pay for our child's birth and to catch up on health issues in general since we have gone over a year with out. However, we realized that the benefits said work place offers are not so great and it's better to just bank the money and use that toward the birth and figure out money for regular stuff later. We are once again planning a home birth. The closer it gets, the more anxious I feel.
A lot has happened in the last month, as we have moved through our new routine and adjusted to life with "Daddy" being gone moreso than usual. I have found it especially hard, as I am getting further into my pregnancy and am having a tough time doing my normal tasks and chasing after the kids and all the many wonderful things a stay at home mommy gets to do during the day. Today was an especially trying day as the kids, especially my daughter, have been a little bit....obstreperous, as my mother would say, and I have been on a crazy emotional roller coaster. My friend just found out she's pregnant with her fifth child and I am so excited for her but at the same time, I wonder how her life really is; the part that she doesn't tell me about, the dirty details of being a mother of 4-and now 5 in 40 weeks or less-and how much she wishes she had none at times. I know she has a hard time, she tells me about it a lot. I know she is stressed out about this fifth baby and the idea of there being one more mouth to feed, one more being to take care of, one more heart to raise. But she is a good mother and I know she'll do her job well. I just wonder how hard it really is, as I am struggling with just my two..
I am also trying to find time to work on my motherhood book, finish another book that I started 7 years ago, work on a referral business I joined and still take even a short nap when the kids are taking theirs. Motherhood is so beautiful and so wonderful and so rewarding but sometimes, I just feel like I'm losing my mind! I need a little bit of me time, as I'm sure many can relate to, but it's very hard to get this on a regular basis. Not that I'm complaining. Even if I was working out in the world during the day, I wouldn't have the me time that my soul really needs and if I were to be out working during the day, someone else would be raising my children and I would be failing at the most important job I've ever had in my entire life, the job God handed to me the day I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. But I'm also worried that somewhere along the line, I've lost the other parts of me that made me who I am and I wonder if I'll ever find them again or if it matters.
Today I have yelled a lot and I've had a head ache (probably from yelling) and I've gotten myself worked up over what I see now in the wisdom that can only come at this semi-late hour is nothing...and I've grown tired. But I've also realized, just in writing about how I felt today, that I will have time, when the kids are a little older and need me a little less (which as a mommy makes me kinda sad) and it will be then that I can sit down and have a little bit of quiet, to lose myself in my thoughts and go digging deep within myself to pull out the other parts of me that have been buried underneath everything else..... I will have time to search for that part of my creative soul I know is in there somewhere and pull her out and sit her down and allow her to do things she can't do right now. And I've also realized that there are fragments of that 'me' that are allowed to show themselves even now and I just have to figure out how to let them shine through my exhaustion, my worries, my busy schedule, my daily routine, my fears, my anxieties and my doubts and perhaps then I won't feel so lost at times.