Monday, January 12, 2009
A Different Me
A little over 5 years ago, I was a different person. I had a different [last] name. I was younger. I even had different hair and a different body. But the biggest difference was my life in general. That life consisted of going through the motions of each day, getting up very early to go to work, struggling to make it through the long hours of monotony - just to go home to an empty house filled with silence. It left me pretty depressed and mostly feeling like I had no purpose; like I was this shell of a person wandering through my days, waiting for an end. I was searching for another piece of myself, though I had no idea if one existed.
And then that life ended. It ended with a positive pregnancy test. And before I knew it, I was a completely new person. I was a mommy, my belly growing bigger each day as my first child formed inside me. My heart grew as well, as I came to an understanding of a totally different kind of love than I had ever experienced before. And as each day passed, I found myself anticipating the next one instead of dreading it as I had for years. I had a purpose - something tangible that I knew was the right direction for my path.
Sometimes I look back on that life and honestly, I don't even recognize that person. Was that really me? I marvel at the fact that God allowed me this change; that He trusted me so much with one of His most precious treasures even though I was such a broken person. I guess He knew what He was doing, though. It's no surprise that He would know that becoming pregnant would indeed change my life. I could go in circles for days trying to figure out the way He works but it's a task that seems pretty aimless, as the answer will never come.
I often think about the fact that so many people can't bring themselves to allow children to change them and it makes me very sad. So much good comes out of allowing children to move within our lives instead of around the boundaries we set out of selfishness or impatience or fear. Learning how to let go of so much of ourselves for the sake of a child is a huge change with tremendously positive results. There's a reason God favors little children. There's a reason He sends them to us even though we are so unworthy of their presence in our lives.
Five years ago I would have never thought about such things. I would have never believed that a child could change me in so many ways if I just let her. And now..Now I feel as if my role as a mother has always been part of my identity.. Like that girl of 5 years ago never even existed. Even through the tough days, like the one I posted about just recently, I find that I could never wish to have my old life back again.
Five years ago, I made the decision to become a different person and though most of the physical aspects of change were completely out of my control, the heart change I made was not. I am a different me.