Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Friday, May 23, 2008

And All I Can Do Is Pray

The last few days have been a little emotional for me. My son's birthday was a hard lump to swallow, only because he is my "little boy" and he's sooooo amazingly beautiful with his big blue eyes full of innocence and mischief at the same time... And because I can't stand the thought of him growing older and facing the world and maybe hating me at some point, as children often do. For any mother who has a little boy, I would think that it's the same sort of twinge of pain each year as they get older. It's a different sort of love than the love I have for my girls...not more, not better, just different. I don't want things to change but I know they must. And all I can do is pray for him, that he will grow up to be the same loving person he is now, loving God first and always.

Other things that have been causing some emotion are just family things. The normal routine of worrying about jobs and money and all that stuff. I mean, I know deep in my heart that no matter what happens to our family financially, God will always take care of us. I've experienced this so many times through out my life both personally and through other people that I would be really stupid not to admit that He is in control of that even if we were billionaires. My issues don't really lie here but elsewhere in the realm of these worries. My hubby has been very depressed and I don't know what to do for him. He's stressed out at work and he doesn't know what his path is. He's been in the same type of business for 15 years or so and doesn't know if he wants to stay in it but feels that he has to because he doesn't know anything else. He's switched jobs 6 times in the 5 years I've known him. I worry about his emotional status. It makes me sad to know that he is sad and to know that he isn't at the point yet where his first reaction to all of life's quandaries is prayer. He's getting to that point slowly and he is slowly learning to rely on God more and have faith in Him but it's hard for him. He's never known Him this way. And in the aspect of teaching our children these things, it doesn't come first-hand for him so this worries me, too, as he is the 'leader' of our family and should be setting this example as well. And all I can do is pray for him, that he will learn to lean on the Lord when he is weak and trust Him first and always.

I've also been kind of emotional over the issue that I briefly wrote about in my last post, with someone in my life and their shadiness. I don't even know how to handle this issue. Do I let it go or bring it up? My issue with them goes far beyond just this incident, too. It's hard to not be afraid that some horrible craziness will come out of this if I do bring it up because that is usually the case. And apparently, I'm always the wrong one. This person is in desperate need of some help. I love this person because they are God's child and I pray constantly that I have more compassion for them and see them as God sees them because I just can't do anything else anymore. The toxicity of their personality has just burned me too much. I wonder how I'm going to explain my keeping my distance from this person to my children, especially as they get older. And all I can do is pray for this person, that they will see the hurt they cause the people in their life and will try to fix themselves first and always.

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