Wednesday, May 21, 2008
*Today is my son's second birthday. I remember writing about him last year on his birthday and how his turning one affected me. This year, of course, it's the same only now he's another year older. I can't believe how time has flown. I basically feel the same way I felt back then so if you want to catch yourself up on it, click here: May 21, 2007 *Yesterday, I found out that someone in my life has been doing something behind my back and while said action is not a HUGE deal, the shadiness of it just makes me really upset. Mostly because I know that said action is not done for any positive reason. I try to think about this person's motives and there is so much else also involved in general with the way this person works that it's hard to really understand why this person does anything that they do. I feel sorry for this person. I am always trying to remember to pray for them because I don't think they truly understand the extent of their craziness. It seems that a lot of the events that happen with this person always end up being really crappy but at the same time, end up helping me to learn lessons I might not have learned with out these happenings. The events that happen help to keep me from getting into certain behavioral habits that I might have otherwise gotten into with out the experience of them through this person because I know in some ways, we are alike in personality. Most of the time, the events make me feel even more so that I want to strive my hardest to be a better mother to my kids, whether it's by showing me what NOT to do with my children or by reminding me that these little beings are only on loan and that I really have to take care of them even better than I'd take care of a personal belonging a friend or relative had given me to protect. In general, they just make me feel like I want to be a better person. *I've started a new process of dealing with negative feelings I have instead of lashing out immediately, as I have done in the past. I am going to start writing letters to people I want to express myself to but I am not going to ever send them. I will keep them in a safe place and when I can go back to them with out the same feelings I had when writing them, I will be able to get rid of them. But for now, they will be written and kept and it will allow me to get my feelings out with out hurting anyone. I remember one of my old counselors telling me it's a healthy habit to get into, especially for me who loves to just express how I feel all the time, with a huge lack of disregard for anyone else's feelings. I'm usually a pretty blunt person, but this was not always the case. Somewhere along the crazy lines of my life I lost my filter and have yet to find it again so I am going to start doing this exercise instead of letting it all come out. (And really, I have started to find pieces of my filter along the way, apparently it got broken in one or two of my biggest falls, so I have started to gain a little bit of my filter back. Who knows if I'll ever find it completely. I pray often that I will.) I feel like this exercise is a good one to teach kids when they are old enough to write (or maybe even just old enough to express how they feel and you can write it for them). I can just imagine Angelina telling me she's so angry with me because I wouldn't let her have an extra snack and that she wants to hurt the baby because she takes a lot of my attention away from her..... Perhaps she won't be so crazy all the time. But I think at this point, she's still a little too young to articulate such feelings. *If none of this makes any sense because I'm being a little bit vague.....sorry.. But I'm just as confused as you are. That's why it's called Jumbled Thoughts!!!