Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Visiting the Past

Today, as I battle a crazy 3 1/2 year old, I am contemplative of how my motherhood began. I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant and for shock value, I'll admit to you that I wasn't married. (Gasp!) That in itself has been a hard thing for me to get over, my life back then, who I was and who I wasn't.....

I remember telling my now-husband, Joe that I was pregnant. His first reaction was "get rid of it." Back then, my husband was a completely different person too. He had no clue who God was in his life and he didn't understand the value of life, especially not one as small as the one I carried within me. I didn't even hesitate or mull over that idea for a minute. "This baby is going to be born, even if I am not going to be her mother," I said. Then he said that we should try to "be together." My husband and I had tried to date before this but we never got along as anything more than friends. (Don't ask me how we ended up doing what we did to get pregnant, I haven't a clue.) Aside from that fact, I knew how totally crazy he could be and how totally crazy I could be and when we were crazy at the same time.....um...let's just say you didn't want to be anywhere near us. So, to me, the idea of us being together, having a "normal" relationship was out of the question entirely.

A few weeks later, I showed him a picture of my sister-in-law's 9-week old baby in utero. It was like a light bulb came on in his head. "It really is a baby!" God bless my husband and his confusion at that point in his life. I feel sad that there are so many people out there that just have no clue or are convicted of the idea that what is in a pregnant womb is not a real live baby.

At first, my decision was that I would put the baby up for adoption. But that idea didn't consume me for very long. I began thinking that I needed to grow up and take care of this baby, with or with out Joe. He wanted a part of the baby's life as well, even if it wasn't as my husband. On his end, it was more than just taking responsibility for his "mistakes"; he really loved me and he loved the baby in some way. It wasn't long before I realized I loved him too.

The birth of our daughter was 3 1/2 years ago and I can't believe how amazing our lives have been since then. For me, personally, deciding to give up my previous life to become a mother to this precious little being has definitely been the best decision I've ever made. She is an absolute blessing in my life. She has taught me so much about myself, about life, about love and about God.

Sometimes, I wish God had made sex completely impossible until marriage. Somehow, magically, we would be able to do it on our wedding night but up until then, we'd be like Buckingham Palace guards protecting an important treasure. But I guess there is something to be said for the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn from them. For me, making that mistake led me to learning about the most important things in life and I try to keep that in mind as I raise my daughter and her siblings, through their good days and their bad ones.

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