In previous posts, I shared some thoughts about an issue I was having that I didn't know if I should investigate and push further....about someone in my life and how they purposefully hurt me. I have to admit that the more I thought about it, the more hurt I really felt. And I ended up saying something to that person. I don't really think I had much expectation going into it so I can't say for sure how I feel about the outcome. I think at this point, I am still too wounded to investigate my feelings very thoroughly. But somewhere along the line, I need to find some closure, something to allow my wounds the chance to heal.
There were a few other things that came up in our conversation that also hurt me deeply and I am still trying to sort everything out. I felt a little better after our chat for the sole reason that I finally got it out in the open. But at the same time, I set myself up to be hurt even more, which I think I was expecting; and in the end, I was left still feeling pretty grave.
I often wonder why people say that the ones who hurt you the most are those closest to you. Maybe in this scenario the word 'most' means 'most often,' which might be true considering the ones closest to you are the ones you are around on a regular basis, which naturally allows for ample opportunities to be hurt by them. But in my experience, in the past 4 years, I have been hurt more deeply by people I'm not all that close to and I just don't understand.
My sister brought to my attention that I have hurt people in my life and that I am not perfect. I know this. I realize that, like she said, I have not always handled things the right way or said things appropriately and that has led to others being hurt. But in general, I try very hard not to do or say things I know will hurt others and usually, if something I do or say ends up hurting someone it is completely unintentional. And I always apologize for my mistakes.
In this particular event, I was hurt intentionally and I am trying to figure out if this is something that I can always expect from certain people and if so, how do I shield myself from this and more importantly, how do I shield my children? I know I can't protect them from every single thing in the world but I feel as though it's my duty to at least do what I can, especially when it comes to people we allow in our lives. As for protecting myself, how far is too far? How much can I push this before it hurts others and causes even more trouble just because I pushed it? I don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain and maybe feeling that way is why I just don't understand how someone else can be so hurtful to me, especially in this situation.
If nothing else, I guess I can take from this what I try to take from pretty much anything else in my life, particularly when it comes to certain issues with certain people.... That is, lessons that will teach me how to be a better person and how to deepen my faith in God. I have to constantly remind myself that through the trials I face with others in my life, I am always going to find solace in my Father. And through everything, I try to see people how He sees them. As messed up, ignorant or miserable as they may seem, God often helps me to see them as broken children who just need His love to heal them, which helps me to understand them just that much more.
And maybe that means that as hurt and broken as I am through this, I just need His love to heal me too.