Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Hopelessness

I fathom a life where it is the easiest thing in the world to follow God's path and always be a good Christian, a loving person all the time. I try to imagine a life that doesn't include others who are hurtful, who try to lead me astray...a life where I am not hurtful and do not make mistakes. Of course, this type of life is impossible this side of heaven but I am intoxicated by the idea of it. I am perfectly aware of my duty as one of God's children to do as much as I can to try to achieve such a life but as God's child, I am imperfect. I make mistakes and I do not always know how to handle myself in a Christian manner. Sometimes, I allow my emotions to decide my actions and this often does more harm than good.

I am trying to understand my place in life, as a person in search of God's will. I am trying to figure out why there are people in my life who only seem to want to cause me harm. And I am trying to figure out how I am to be able to not allow them to harm me and how to keep myself from harming them. For years I've battled the unavoidable presence of some not so loving people in my life, trying to be patient waiting for things to be different, trying to love them despite the hurt they cause. As children of God, they too are imperfect and I understand this. But lately, I am almost convinced that Satan has gotten a hold of them and is using them to do his work.

I know that only God can heal me now. I am trying to figure it all out on my own and it's not working... it's just too hard. I've been feeling so hopeless when it comes to a lot of things lately and I am just moving along through the days, a shadow of a person, trying to find the light I think is there.... somewhere.

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