I've been feeling kinda crazy the last few days. There have been moments when normal routines of my daily life have turned into nightmares, engaging me in far-away fantasies of my actually going crazy. Like Mommies Gone Wild crazy....sans the naked part, of course.. No one wants to see me running around with my stretch marks and nursing-mommy boobs flopping in the wind as I slosh back margaritas and shots of Jack, screaming like a mad woman totally oblivious to the fact that I am doing everything I can to annihilate every ounce of who I really am. Although the drinking would probably be a big part of my going crazy as I often fantasize about being able to just sit on my couch all day and drown out the buzz of 3 children as I sip away at some fruity drink while they somehow miraculously take care of themselves.... Screaming like a mad woman would also be fit into my schedule somewhere.
Are there such videos of Mommies Gone Wild that aren't the porned-up ridiculousness of the Girls Gone Wild videos? Like videos of just regular mommies on vacation from their fams, living up the days right down to the last second without the suffocation of constant screaming, someone trailing behind them, someone burping in their face or pooping on the floor.. Mommies sleeping 'til noon and having lunch at 4, complete with 1 or 2 (or 5) mimosas. Hanging out at dinner for hours with their friends and catching late movies without worrying about a child stirring in the night. You know, Mommies Gone Wild at its best.
(Oh and just so we're clear, I have never seen any of the GGW videos.)
I think that the particular type of crazy I have been feeling lately just started 2 days ago, maybe 3 when I just felt this itch in my mind, an irritation as colossal as a mosquito bite and could not control my urge to scratch. When I did, I opened up Pandora's Box and felt the rush of cold air swirl into a storm as I realized that I really do need a vacation. I don't need it for the purpose of getting away necessarily or hiding from my duties but more to rejuvenate my abilities and put out the fires that swell within me when I just feel overloaded with *merde.* (Pardon my french.)
So what caused this ginormous irritation? Well, it was basically the assault of a thousand feelings crawling into my head when I realized I barely tasted the food I just shoveled in my mouth because I was too worried about the baby crying and Angelina begging me for a donut and some water, along with 50 other things. They trampled across my nerves reminding me that I do this every time I eat, unable to truly enjoy any meals I've had since my first baby was born. This irritation came with the realization that I haven't had more than a few hours' time in I don't even know how long when I haven't had someone pulling at me to do something for them, a baby nursing at my breast or some one's diaper needing to be changed.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mommy. I love every dirty detail of my status. I love being needed even as much as it takes with 3 kids. But I also recognize that I am a person, a woman who does have weaknesses, limits to my abilities and my own needs. I recognize when I am feeling stretched particularly thin and need a little R&R to get my spirits and my strength back up. Being a mommy is like running a marathon for as long as our children are dependent upon us (and I imagine even when they have left us to our quiet houses in the older years of their lives). Should mommies be expected to run a constant marathon without even a drink of water or a slower pace to refresh us?
I think about all this and then I imagine my own mother..... My beautiful mother who had 7 crazy children and took care of us all with a lot less help than I have. I think about the fact that she cared for us with every ounce of love that she had, doing everything she was actually capable of to nurture us into adulthood. Most of our lives, she was home with us, allowing us the permanence of the same caretaker and the comfort and stability of someone always being there when we came home from school.
I think about how hard it must have been for her with 7 children and virtually no vacation to help her unwind and recharge. I think every mommy needs that once in a while. I look at her life and see her struggling even now, as she has taken on the tremendously difficult and disheartening task of caring for her own mother in her old age. Behind my mom's tired eyes I see a beautiful strength I only wish I owned and a terrible ache within me reminds me that I am blessed to have such an example. Yes things were crazy and yes there were times when she maybe could've done something better. My mom could've probably done a lot of things differently and of course she wasn't perfect because no body is. But I believe without hesitation that my mom did the absolute best she could and it was more than good enough. God has blessed me with this vision of my mother, allowing me to minimize my own self-wallowing and truly seek to be a better, stronger mommy than I am.
I do not always feel so crazy, though I post about it a lot, nor do I always feel the way I did in my Domestic Diva post. In thinking about my own mom, I secretly scold myself for the feelings I often have of going insane and worrying about my abilities so much. I wonder if I have a right to feel like this and still be able to claim that I love my children and my motherhood.
And I often wonder if I will ever get a Mommies Gone Wild vacation.....