Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Friday, October 17, 2008

Trusting God

Recently I was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. I am still not quite up to par on the extensive facts about this disorder. I do, however, know very many things I do not like about it. Here are a few very personal ones:

A) In order to go on medicine, I have to stop breastfeeding
B) While getting used to my medicine, I should not drive at all or at least use my discretion about driving but only to destinations within 10 minutes of my house.
C) If for some reason my seizures generalize into the jerking kind that most people are familiar with when they hear the word 'seizure,' my life will change even more.
D) If it ends up not being seizures, it could be something much worse.

My sister was diagnosed with Complex Partial Seizures after she had a brain tumor removed in 2004. Apparently, my brother was diagnosed with them when he was younger but no one, including him, remembers this little fact and we only re-learned it recently when my mother found some paper from an EEG done when he was 15. My mother also seems to think my father may have them, based on things she's witnessed him doing or ways he's acted over the years.

A seizure disorder is basically when someone has a lower threshold for seizures. I read that anyone can have a seizure (or a few) at any time in their life and that most everyone does have at least one with out noticing. The problem lies when someone is specifically more sensitive to them and thus it becomes a disorder. Seizures occur when the brain's electrical rhythms become imbalanced. Apparently I'm more sensitive to them and my electrical rhythms are imbalanced more often than not. Over the past year, I have noticed more and more "things" happening that were unexplainable. And because I didn't know what to think of them, I just pretended they didn't happen. I remember finding myself in my laundry room taking things out of the dryer one day and I realized that I had no recollection of going down the stairs to the laundry room or anything I had done all morning before that. Sometimes I zone out and don't realize it. I'll "come to" while just catching on to my husband or my children speaking to me.

Other "seizures" have included forgetting things like what I just did 5 minutes ago. I used to attribute this to what I like to call "mommy brain" but lately, it's been a ridiculous amount of time and events that I can't seem to remember. I am often unable to grasp simple words, stuttering or hesitating over what I'm trying to say. I drop things, lose my balance, hear ringing in my ears, have "pop rocks" sensations in my head, suffer head aches and mood swings... The list goes on.

I don't feel like myself anymore and I am slowly spiraling down emotionally. My husband is having a hard time supporting me. He's so lost when it comes to understanding what's going on or how to help. So he doesn't try. I feel very lonely, especially being an hour away from the rest of my family... It's only an hour but I can't even take that drive right now and a lot of people seem to think it's too far for a visit.

And through all this, I have to think that God is ultimately in control. Despite my depression from this, despite my symptoms and what may happen or what has happened, He is the only One who can help me through this. I've been here before.. In a different time in my life and for different reasons, I've seen this dark cave and heard the echo of silence in its narrow passages. And His hand was what brought me out of it into the light only He is able to create. Now I have to trust that this time He will once again whisper in my ear and bring me to a place of clarity, holding me close with His strong loving hands and help me to fight this battle.

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