Today is a bad day. Everyone is sick and we've all been battling other issues within ourselves as well. The children not so much... What inner issues do they have at this age anyway? They are safely tucked in their little cocoons of innocence, wrapped tightly in warm blankets of love and their dependence upon me and their dad. They are totally unaware of the craziness that swirls dangerously close to the surface of my mind. They could not even begin to imagine the roller coaster ride of emotions I go on almost daily. Or even the wider scale of the shape of the economy right now- what it could mean for our future and how we're already trying to cut back on a lot. Or the piling of bills that seems to overwhelm us this time each month. No, they have no idea of the things that wake me up in the middle of the night.
I could say Angelina has some inner issue of an attention disorder but it could just be her age and I'm pretty sure she's unaware of it anyway. So even that is not something she has to worry about right now. The only things any of these children really seem to worry about from day to day are when I'm going to get them food, if they can watch TV when they want, and how much time they have to play before nap. Ah, the life of a child! How quickly it's forgotten how easy children have it. Growing up, I can remember my parents telling me on several occasions that I just don't understand how easy my life really is as a child. And I didn't of course; not then.
But now I do.
I'm trying to figure out how to take this bad day and pull myself out of it- or, at least out of the wreckage it seems to have created so far. I think I've had some seizure issues this morning, though I can't really tell for sure. But just from the way I feel, it seems to be that same feeling I get when I know I've had them. The sickness that has plagued the family since before Christmas is still lurking in every corner - dark or not - and I've been battling a frantic 4 year old to install drops in her eyes to keep the conjunctivitis in check. All she knows about it is that she does not like to have drops put in her eyes. She does not realize it'll be much worse if she doesn't get them.
I've been praying this morning that I have some sort of clarity because my head feels full of fog - which might just be because I'm sick - and I can't seem to really think well enough to form a plan of action. Days like this definitely require a plan, especially when one has 3 small children to care for.
Maybe my plan for today will be to give it to God and do what I can (even if it's just the bare minimum) to keep us safe and alive. He must know about - and has already allotted for - days like these for us mothers. Would I be failing too much by giving Him the battle to fight for me, to take care of the things that plague our family without my help? Is this exactly what He is trying to tell me to do? And will He take care of everything, including all the things that go bump in the night?