There are many posts I have crafted about feeling like I am meant to do more than I am - feeling like there is just something else, something bigger. I often write about not knowing what God wants me to do as a writer, my failings (and sometimes, my successes) as a mother and my journey to just being a better person in general. This blog was first started so that I could write about my identity as a mother. I have been recording the day to day grind of everything motherhood entails - my fears, my hopes, each incident with my children (big or small, positive or negative) and how it all affects me. But as I have also written about each aspect of my life surrounding my motherhood, I have come to realize that they not only surround my life but move within it, creating a sort of dance...but it's a dance I am not often in rhythm with.
Lately I have been feeling really down. It doesn't matter what I do, when I wake up I'm already depressed or angry and I'm already feeling like the day is going to be horrible. But I say the prayers I usually say in the morning - thanksgiving for a new day and prayers for my husband. Different intentions for our families and friends and patience and love for my children. And peace for the day. And I start the day anyway, despite the ever-growing fear that it is just going to be bad regardless. Sometimes I am capable of convincing myself that it's just Satan, in his ever-present seat in my head, trying to steal my will and make me fall captive to that sadness. Sometimes I can escape him. Most of the time I cannot. I am often cynical about God, wondering why I still feel this way after so long even though I pray about it several times throughout each day. Doesn't He want me to do His will in my life? If so, why won't He tell me what that is?
My sister recently told me that I shouldn't believe the lies I tell myself when I am feeling bad. Sometimes it's hard to see which is a lie and which is the truth. One of the biggest feelings I've had lately, even in moments I don't feel "down," is that because I live an hour away from my family (siblings and parents), I am not really part of it except in the most important things. But what makes a family? Isn't it the small things as well as the big things... and making someone feel important regardless of how far away they live? I miss so much and feel so left out of things that happen where they are. No one really knows who I am and I feel like I don't really know any of them anymore. Everyone has their own life but somehow, I don't feel like a part of it even in some small way. Yes, we get together for the kids' birthdays or other major family things. I pack up the kids and drive down there as often as I can to visit but I am trying to remember the last time anyone came up here just to visit me. And sometimes I wonder if maybe this isn't God showing me that I am supposed to be on my own - maybe He'll move me somewhere even further away than an hour, where driving a few times a month for visits won't be possible. Maybe He's getting me used to the distance, used to the loneliness and detachment I feel. Or maybe He just wants me to use the time I have where I'm not distracted by other things to focus on mothering my children His way.
I don't know.
On top of all that, there's the world and its craziness distracting me from my tasks, often luring me in the opposite direction from the one I know I am supposed to go. One of the things I stopped doing long ago was watching t.v. during the day. I can remember days on end sitting on my couch for at least 2 hours, drowning myself in whatever shows were on, doing the bare minimum that needed to be done around my house. I don't even really watch the news anymore. It both angers and saddens me and makes me feel like I just don't want to care about anything. And there are even people hubby and I both had to completely cut out of our lives or that we just stopped talking to because they were just too toxic or weren't positive influences on the life we know we want.
Maybe I'm in the warm-up stage and still have time to catch on to whatever it is this dance is meant to be for me - whatever it is God wants of me?
It seems I feel I am supposed to be taking 500 different steps but that most of them are impossible for me. I feel crazy a lot, out of sorts, as if I will never catch the rhythm of the dance and find my footing secure. But even still, however frazzled I may seem at times, I am constantly digging deeper within the tune of this dance, trying to find the one beat I know I can stick with. And though outside influences from the dirt and smut of the world - and my own sadness and self-wallowing - often attempt to knock me off my feet, I am pushing on, dancing faster, hoping to catch the tail-end of the song just so I can land right in my Father's arms, in perfect rhythm with Him.
Dance is the hidden language of the soul. ~ Martha Graham