If I stop for more than a moment to let my mind wander into thoughts of my children growing up, I am instantly sad. For in that moment flashes a lifetime of disappointments and pain, the chill of a not-so-nice world wrapping itself around my heart. I think about all the hurt and silence, all the rejection and loss, and I am afraid for my children - scared that they too will fall prey to the darkness that seems to have chased me my entire life.
And I don't want that; what mother who truly loves her children would?
I want them to see the other side - the beautiful aspects of life, how amazing people can be, how forgiving (and apologetic) the world sometimes is. I want them to understand early on what took me years and years of wasting time to discover - that they are His children, born for a specific purpose, given gifts and talents to be used for His works. That despite any loneliness they feel inside or pain they endure, despite sadness that might creep into their hearts for no reason at all, He is always there to comfort, to strengthen and sustain; He is there to be everything that the world and their father and I am not.
And this fact helps to bypass that moment which I sometimes drown myself in; it helps me to release the anxiety I feel over their futures, the worry and fear I have for their lives. And it lets me dream for them. And hope. (And fight my own demons which haunt me still.) And it lets me live so that I may allow them to live, not bound in bubble wrap of safety or locked away in towers, but really live so that they can see what I could not, so that they can find themselves in the arms of Jesus every single step of the way.
'For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not fore woe! plans to give you a future full of hope.' ~Jeremiah 29:11 NAB