Desiring God's Plan

Growing up, it was my heart's desire to one day own horses. Horses were my favorite animal and I can remember there being times when I could think of nothing else. I read stories about horses, I wrote stories about horses. I relished every movie I could watch about them. And not only did I dream of owning horses, I dreamed of living on a lot of land. We lived in an area that still had some farmland around it but by the time I was in highschool, most of it had been developed. Drives in the "country," became a thing of the past, as the developed land gave way to mostly wooded areas toward the mountains that surrounded us and the lush rolling hills of early childhood and before had all but disappeared.

When we moved to Dillsburg, it seemed like a good place to chase after my childhood dream. There is a lot of undeveloped land here and while the area is slowly being developed and growing into the 21st century (finally!), there are so many opportunities to glean my desires that have been growing in my heart for so long. Much of the surrounding towns in our area aren't even as developed as our town and there seems to be a genuine interest in preserving a lot of it, despite the development. What's funny, though, is that over the years, my heart's desire sort of became a little bit dull, and not so important to me. I don't know if it was the weight of the fear that I would never have what I wanted that led me to push it to the back recesses of my mind, tucked away and hidden in a corner of things never to be, or if it was just that my crazy life sort of took away everything I thought possible for my future, robbing me of my desire to even dream at all for awhile. But I remember there being a time where I grew to like that I was close to neighbors, as I was afraid of the world when the sun went down, and I didn't mind living with no land to explore because I was too afraid of what I'd find.

But my dreams were still growing without my knowledge and since we moved here, since we had children, since we started building a life and a business, planning for our future in each aspect of our lives, I have come back to this dream. I have opened it up to grow and stretch into all areas of my mind and heart, daring myself to ever believe again that it would not be fulfilled. A few details of the dream have changed a little but the important thing is that I have come to hope again.

My husband and I have been really anxious about wanting to move and expand our business- find our place in God's design, and it has caused us to be a little bit impatient. We'd like to move, and soon. But we might not be ready yet in God's eyes. He might see something we're completely oblivious to that needs to be taken care of before we are fit for His gifts and blessings. And I've come to accept that God's desire for my life is what's most important. My desire has taken on a new path, one that hopes for what He wants for me, and though I pray that it is that we have land and a unique house big enough for our family to grow and love and learn in, as well as a place to expand our business, I know that if it is not His plan, it will not happen. And I'm okay with that. And I'm even okay with never having a horse.

Ah, Summer Camp!

A few months ago, hubby and I decided to send our little monsters to a two-day-a-week Christian summer camp starting late-June. Our three oldest would attend and I would get two mornings out of the week to spend in what I hoped would be quiet bliss! I would still have my baby but she naps most mornings and I was in heaven dreaming of the quiet and space I would have; my time spent writing, praying, maybe even napping, while I relaxed on the fringe of total spoil.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. I love their company and I even love their dependence on me, however insistent and "inconvenient" it might seem at times. After all, I am a mother. Their mother. And I love every minute of it, even the difficult ones. But I also love peace and standing still for a minute, and I love being in a thick silence in the mornings after I drop them off, something I haven't had the pleasure of drowning in for quite some time.

Also, hubby and I made the decision that we would try to spend some good quality time together on these mornings, unless he had a job or work he couldn't possibly get out of. His self-made schedule is very flexible and it allows for such pleasures as going out to breakfast with only a complacent baby to tend to, taking drives searching out land to dream about, having an entire conversation without being interrupted 50 million times....and the best part, being free to be who we are when we're not playing the role of parents with every aspect of our beings. We get to enjoy each other's company and revisit the aspects of our identities we kind of had to push to the back burners as we began our lives together as parents.

Not only that, but I get to miss my kids. And I do. Having them away from me, doing something I know will only enrich their childhood, is good for them but it's also good for me. When I am feeling suffocated by the weight of my role as a mother, my daily duties, my fears and struggles, my frequent inability to be patient and loving, it is hard to see their value and to see what their roles in my life mean. It is hard to really appreciate them as little human beings that will grow up to be servants of God. But a small break, even just two mornings a week, allows me the time to ponder all that I am as their mother (which I do; it's not just bon bons and bubble baths while they're gone!), and it allows me to focus on really cherishing every minute with them. It helps me to recharge a little, grow a little, and find the strength I will need to take on the next disaster which will inevitably happen the second they get in the car when I go to pick them up!