Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Monday, June 13, 2011

My mind is gone and I have nothing to post

To be honest, I've got nothing.

I have started a few posts and there they sit, in my list of other posts, needing to be finished or scratched altogether but really so quiet that I forget they are there. They're not begging me. They're garbage.

Sometimes I get into my deepest dark place of nothingness and find that I feel like a big fat loser. When I was younger, there was so much I wanted to do and be. There was a lot I was doing and being that wasn't right. There was always the desire to be different, better. I knew in my heart God was calling me but up until I became pregnant with my first baby, I had no clue what He was calling me for. Some days, I'm not even so sure I do know the real reason and wonder if it's just that I wanted to run with the situation of my messy moment at that time, and so I pasted my label on it- "God's Purpose For Me."

And run with it I did.

So here in this darkness I am thinking a million things that probably aren't right, a lot of them are whisperings of the devil himself, lies I am letting him tell me, fears he's magnifying with his evilness and hate. But then there are a few small ones off in the corner which I know actually have some weight to them. They are the ones that tell me I need to get back to a routine that helps me conquer my day with patience and calm and even gusto. The ones that afford me quiet moments to myself which I can spend writing if I want to. But honestly, I look at these and think they're lies too. Because I can't find quiet in my tiny home where every. single. sound is heard no matter where you are in the house. And I am not a calm person. I've always been a little high-strung.

And even if I could have a quiet house and be a calm person, my mind is gone. In its place it left a different mind which has become my enemy and will not release much more than a bunch of garbage that has no meaning and no relevance to my life..or anyone else's for that matter. Yup, that's right, we have a hostage situation going on. My mind has helpless prisoners it will not let go; important "personnel" that I need...dare I say...to survive? And all it will send it out is fluff. A mirage. It's a hostile scenario, one I live on a daily basis and still can't figure out how to make it go any different. I send in pizza, even chocolate...sometimes wine. To no avail. My mind is making demands as if it has a right. More money. Vacation. Land. A bigger house. And until I meet all of its demands, nothing - NOTHING - is coming out. I'm a terrible negotiator and I'm gaining weight.

I ache to write. There is so much roaming around up there in my head but when I try it just doesn't come out right, as you can probably tell in recent posts. And most of the time, it doesn't come out at all. I have a lot of material - being in the presence of 4 little children every day gives me enough for a lifetime if I could just wrangle it out. I feel like it's a hopeless cause. I mean, I pray about it a lot and still nothing comes. Nothing is different. I have not changed. I'm backed into a corner and I feel like the end result of this horrible scenario is going to be some sort of casualty. My sanity? (What's left of it.) I stare blankly into the darkness, wondering what my future is and how I'm even supposed to get there when I feel paralyzed a lot.

So I cling to this passage in Jeremiah: (29:11): "For I know the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." And this one in Proverbs: (19:21) "Many are the plans in a man's heart but it's the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Because I really have nothing else.

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