To be honest, I really have no clue. Right now I'm just a tired mama in the middle of the very slender neck of a bottle, squeezing my way through ever so slowly, being squished and disfigured as I try breathlessly to make it out of this particular spot.
I need air. I need to breathe. And yet, I can't.
I can't stand where I am right now but I'm not exactly sure why. Is it because I feel like I am suffocating? Or maybe it's because I can't move or do anything I want to do; the discomfort I feel gives birth to negative feelings for my surroundings and the season of life I am currently in. Whatever it is, it's making me tired and I feel the depression and anxiety creeping in again.
I'm just going to lay it all out right here because I don't really talk to anyone about it and it's begging to be let out. So here it is..
There is this old farmhouse about ten minutes from here. It sits on 12 1/2 gorgeous acres. It has a pool. It has an orchard and a pond. It has 4 bedrooms and lots more space. It has huge potential for not only our family life but our business as well. And it sits not only ten minutes from here but just out of my reach as it is over half a million dollars. OK, so that's waaay out of my reach. But, if this house were sitting quietly in the picturesque country hills outside of my hometown, it would be well over a million dollars. Little comfort, ya know?
So there is that house and here I am, in my cute little home that is 3 bedrooms and little room for a family of - currently - 6 people. It sits on 3/4 of an acre on a semi-busy road just off Route 15. Everywhere I go in my house, I can hear all the noise from the rumbling and stomping, screeching and squealing of my 4 boisterous children. Every. Where. I. Go. My bedroom is three steps in either direction from the kids' rooms and has a three inch gap at the bottom of the door. Three inches of space at the bottom of our bedroom door. Three steps away from little ears. You see where I'm going with this?
Don't get me wrong, I love my home... at least I did. Right now I have a small affection for it like a starving person might have an affection for moldy bread from a dumpster. I need this house. I am grateful we have it. I know there are many much larger families who have lived in less. I know this. I try to remind myself of it, even through the loud laughter and fighting that goes on in the middle of the day which incidentally almost always wakes up my two year old an hour and half before she should be woken up from nap. This house was an amazing blessing for us when we moved. We had two children and it seemed like a lot of space. But now we have four and a business and a dog. And I am tired.
I know God has a plan for us. Sometimes I have nightmares that it's going to include this house and rocking chairs and gray hair growing out of my head. Sometimes. But I'm pretty sure most of our desires for our family and business life are part of His plan, so I know that those nightmares won't come true. I guess it's just the waiting. I am working on the being content thing. I'm working feverishly, believe me. I just go in these spurts and I feel like it's probably just the devil messing with me. I mean, isn't that what he's really good at...one of the things, anyway? He magnifies our desires so they take over our life and shut out everything else that is important. My desires of a bigger home and the growth of our business and possibly our family are probably just as bad as any desire he likes to toy with people's minds over. Right? At least they are when they take over my days the way they have been, rendering me useless and completely unable to do anything but the bare minimum.
This past week has been really bad and I have been feeling like a trip to confession on Saturday is probably a good idea. Pray for me, that I can allow God's grace to dissolve my feelings of discontent, be even more thankful for His gifts and blessings, place my trust in Him, and wait patiently on the Lord for His plans to come to fruition.