Thursday, February 21, 2013
Stop In the Name of Love
My heart is so heavy right now and I realize I can only go within myself, seek out my Heavenly Father and relinquish my suffering to His holy grace.
It appears that everything is not as it seemed to be. And I. am. devastated.
I have written before about an up and down relationship with an extended family member. I believe the last post I ever wrote about it was in excitement and anticipation of what the future held for a new chapter in this relationship. And somehow, I was getting ahead of myself. Somehow I was deceived into thinking it could be anything but what it has always been before.
So here I am, drowning in the wake of yet another unfortunate misunderstanding in which the villain cape has been taped upon my back. It's probably my fault. Naturally, or maybe because I was taught to be this way, I ask a hundred questions and try to figure things out so that I can understand. I say things (admittedly not always with tact) and keep chiseling away at something until I FINALLY UNDERSTAND IT. I can't stand NOT getting it. Especially when not getting it also means that things are unresolved. But somehow, for some people this means that I am arguing. I am just really confused.
In the past few weeks I have been dragged into something that isn't my business to be in and then ridiculed for not wanting to be in it. I have also been told not once, not twice but THREE times that I am disappointing in various ways. The last time was this afternoon. To tell you the truth, I disappoint myself. Because I don't know when to just step the hell out of the way and let the Holy Spirit work. I don't know how to stop chiseling my way to enlightenment when clearly, that's not something I am allowed to have at this moment in time. I'm meant to be in the dark. Because often, darkness is what is needed for secret things to take place; i.e. a growth, a process, a change...in one heart or another or both. I. can't. do. it. The light is not mine to have.
Somewhere in the dark I have to remember that no matter what, I am to Love.
Sometimes, loving does not equal understanding. Darn it, I forget that so often.
SO, as much as I wanted to reply to the last delivery of how much of a disappointment I am, as much as I wanted to ask so many more questions, call the person out on making yet another statement of untruth, as much as I really really really wanted to chip away until I found the root, I didn't. I couldn't. Because I realized that LOVE should've kicked in about 2 emails ago in a more tangible way on my part. I FELT my love flowing, the compassion and heartache over such a broken person, I knew it was there but I ignored what I was really meant to do with it in this horrendously unfair situation.
It finally dawned on me as I leaned over my counter reading this message, my breath literally hanging in the air, tears streaming down my face, that I had failed miserably in my quest to love someone who has no idea what real love looks like. In the 9 years that I've known this person, God has convicted me SO MANY times of my duty to love and teach love, especially to other broken people who just don't get it yet. And sometimes I forget that. Sometimes, my flesh speaks louder than my heart. Sometimes, the pain I feel is like a thousand daggers so much that it blinds me. Sometimes my own brokenness deceives me.
I have failed before. I probably will fail again.
But this time.... Nay. I will not. This time, I will walk away. I will step aside for the Holy Spirit to do whatever is needed. I've said it before and I'll say it again...sometimes loving someone means just praying for them from afar. And not continuing to chip away in vain. I will stop trying to understand. I will stop trying to explain that what they think is not the truth. I will stop worrying about whether or not it will be resolved. In the name of Love; I will stop.