Sometimes, despite your best effort and hours and hours of prayer, the reality of losing something still gnaws at you ravenously. You can't shake it, no matter how hard you try. And it is in these moments you realize how desperately you need God. Because even through the anxiety and sadness, reaching out to Him is the only thing that will bring you peace, even if not right away. It is the only thing that will bring clarity, and the strength to really let go; to heal and move on.
But letting go is hard. And in the meantime, you're left waiting, sometimes not-so-patiently, for that moment of peace to come. You often think you have it, as levels of understanding are gained. But then the gnawing grief returns. You go over and over in your head everything you could say or do, everything you did say and do, everything left undone. Did you ever really have what you think you did?
The answer is no. Always no. It was an illusion brought on by your desperate desire to have it. Nothing more. In a perfect world, you would've had it. In a perfect world, things would be different. There would be no confusion, no lack of trust and respect. Only love and understanding. In a perfect world.
But this is not a perfect world. And people are broken. You are broken. And no matter how hard you try, you just can't be what you want to be to them. They can't be what you want them to be to you. No matter how much effort you make, it's never enough. Not to make blind eyes see. Not to break down dividing walls.
And that's why there's that aching desperate need for God, His holy grace, His gentle hand, His fierce eternal Love. He's the one that lets you see that all you really need is Him. He's the one that lets you know that you are cherished and loved by Him. He is the one Who binds your broken heart; heals the wounds inflicted in battle. He is the one who raises you up above your pain and grief and loneliness, breathing new life into your tired soul and relinquishing all the pain others have caused you. He reminds you that no matter how blind others are, no matter how hurtful and broken they are, He loves them, too, and so must you.
So you take up your cross, haggard as you are; you take His conviction and His truth, and you just love. Desperately, you love. Even if it's never returned the way you need it to be. Even if it hurts. You do it anyway.