Children are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one's youth. Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate. ~Psalm 127:3-5

Monday, June 24, 2013

Pep Talk

I always know when I'm on the right track with my journey because the people in my life who are on the completely wrong track are getting to me - whether it's by purposeful and outright attacks on me for my lifestyle or family, behavior they display that I notice, or, like with hubby's family and all the pain they've caused me, it's sometimes just my inability to refocus myself away from the hurt people cause me.  But my experience as of late serves as yet another blessing.  

Thank the Lord that He has blessed me with the ability to realize how badly I need Him.  Anyone who thinks they can get along in life just fine without Him as the center really has some serious problems.  I know because I've been there.

I have a sticky note on my computer that says "YOU ARE OKAY."  I need it.  Daily.

I need that pep talk and every ounce of grace that the Lord wishes to bestow upon me, so I can continue my path.
Sometimes I give myself this type of Pep Talk..bad
The anxiety I have felt as of late has been paramount.  I don't understand it.  I want to believe that it's just more proof that I'm on the right path.  There is so much I am facing.  My battle with PPD has been dwindling, which I am so thankful for.  I have, however, phased into this weird almost bi-polar state which kind of scares me.  I have had some extra physical health issues that point to the possibility that perhaps my mood issues are part of a larger problem, and not a different phase of the depression I am facing.  Doctor appointment has been scheduled.

When I get into my lows, I rehash the problems I have faced lately and trouble myself with wondering what I could have done differently.  Analyzing past behaviors with the desire to change future ones is usually a good thing.  I'm not so sure in this case it really is.  I have realized, however, that the one main thing I could have done all along (and this seems to be a recurrent theme in my life because I'm just so darned blunt about things), is to just keep my mouth shut.  WHY do I always fail at this?  WHY does God's grace come AFTER the fact and not before?

When I look at the pain I've been in over specific things, namely the issues with hubby's family, I am still in a raw state.  I try so hard to move past it.  But the bi-polar type symptoms I have experienced seem to govern my ability (or lack thereof) to heal from it.  And therein lies my problem.  HOW can I let such a broken, hurtful family get to me SO easily and SO deeply?  I have realized that on my path to become a better person in Christ, I am more susceptible to pitfalls.  I am more susceptible to the devil's hand in all things.  I am more of a failure.

So what does all this mean? What does carrying on as a Christian witness, finding the ability to heal and forgive, as well as uncover the ability to move on look like?

Silence.  Prayer.

That's right.  Silence and prayer.  I can no longer make attempts to reach out and understand and try and lay myself out there on the line just to get stomped all over, and run the risk of retaliating harshly. So I have to keep silent and let God do the work.  I have to be still and know that He is GOD.

And I must pray.

My most fervent prayer lately is that I stop failing so much and recognize..and more importantly accept the fact that I CAN'T do anything else.  All my attempts have been in vain.  And the seeming fruitlessness of them has left me in the near occasion of sin.  There's only so much hurt I can take before I lash out in terrible ways.  Speaking truths with harshness on my tongue has been the worst of it this time.  But next time?

That's why there cannot be a next time.  I am just too fragile right now.  The level of anxiety I feel and the other things I face at this point in time are just too much for me.  I do not want to act like they have. I just can't do it.  As easy as it would be for me, I just don't want to go there.

It's been difficult enough watching my husband struggle through his own pain in this.  He is so broken and it's all their fault, and as his wife, I want to "go ghetto" as my friend would say and give them a taste of their own horrible medicine.  See if I can get them to feel as awful, low, stepped on, unloved as they have made him feel.  But I know I can't.  Even the thought in my head of such an action isn't right.  Sometimes my flesh is so very very weak.

Lord, forgive me.

So, this wrestling I've been engaging in, between the weakness of my flesh and the knowledge of what I should do, how I should act, has got to come to an end, no matter how I feel.  AND I have to get to a point of not feeling the way I have.  Everyone of us is broken, everyone is imperfect.  Everyone needs the Lord.  Some just don't understand that yet.  Some pretend that what they do is right, not really realizing how very wrong it is.  Some people will never change.

It's a give and take, this letting go.  I have to keep the faith that regardless of how I feel on any given day, I am in fact working (even if at a micro-crawl many days) toward the goal of a deeper relationship with Christ, and the means to live my life as a witness to that relationship, and as a sinner.  I fall short of His glory just like everyone else.  I, too, need His precious blood to save me from my sins.  I cannot allow others to throw me from this path.  I am so thankful for the people in my life who are constantly reminding me of this through their love and friendship. I am so grateful to God for placing so many amazing people in my path to guide me, sustain me and remind me what my purpose is and what His expectations of me are. I'm in awe of the conviction He places in my heart to do better, to keep trying, to be that person and fulfill that purpose which He planned for me as He lovingly knit me in my mother's womb. And I'm thankful for all the people who have admonished me in love, and the ones who have told me that I have inspired, helped, encouraged them, for I am humbled by their words and grateful to the Lord for using me as an instrument of His love and peace through my own sufferings.  I only hope that I can always remember to give Him the glory and never ever take it for myself.

I am continuing to record the things I am thankful for, the little and big blessings I have uncovered in my daily life, through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows.  It's made an enormous difference and I am so blessed by the two women in my life who prompted me to take part in this challenge.  I want to again encourage anyone reading this to do the same. I promise you won't regret it.

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