Sunday, May 18, 2014
And So..What Would Jesus Do?????
MAJOR fail today.
The cliche "what would Jesus do?" is actually seriously a good thought to have before you speak or do anything, especially in a difficult/hurtful situation. Jesus was always loving. He was a "turn the other cheek" kinda guy. Hello.....crucifixion! I can't even imagine having all these terrible things said about me, physical and verbal abuse and spit flying in my face, rejection from other people and STILL be able to show love. I've tried. It's really really difficult. Especially the type of deep love Jesus showed. I mean, there is NO deeper love than to die in such a horrible way for other people. And yet, Jesus did it. He took all the insults and the hurt and the sin and he covered His body in it and hung on a cross in what the world looked upon as "shame."
And yet, here I am, with my life so drastically different than about 2 years ago where I was venturing toward a deeper understanding of Christian love, finding myself facing the opposite direction of where I was headed. I have taken a detour. Since the event that changed me, drew me into darkness, made me all but forget my call to be Christian and loving and think at all times, "what would Jesus do," I have failed time and time again. I made progress in my recovery and healing and found myself drawing closer to the Lord in general, but that Christian love was still so elusive at times. I am still so raw and broken, more-so than I truly realized, and am incapable of caring very much (in the moment) if I just completely fail in my quest and my call to be loving, and do what Jesus would. He asks us to follow Him. It doesn't just mean follow Him in our physical footsteps, but with our hearts and our actions - to truly do what He does.
Everyone is a sinner. I know this. I am a big fat sinner. I NEED Christ in my life because of this. I am convicted of my faults and failings and try all the time to do better. But with certain people, some days- I'm not going to lie- I just don't care. Today is one of those days. I just didn't care. I just didn't care if I said mean things, even if they were rooted in truthful events. I just didn't care if I was unloving and unkind and hurt people with my words. I just couldn't muster up anything but the numbness I fall into sometimes toward my actions, and the anger I allow to seep out. When I am weak, I fail. Today I was very very weak. Weaker than I've felt in some time. I felt like a mama bear, because it was about someone hurting my child, and the "wild" in me came out.
And, dear precious Lord, forgive me, I still don't care. I mean, I have now come to the point of feeling bad that I couldn't do what Jesus would....But I don't find myself feeling so poorly about it that I am devastated. Is this a result of all the damage the person has done to me? I don't know. It sorta scares me. I've always cared before when I've been unloving to someone. When the conviction comes, I am always devastated. Because I want to do better. I'm always wanting to do exactly what I should. I want so badly to be a better person, and to always recognize my need to try harder. I try to be gentle with myself, but at the same time, give myself the sternness Jesus would if He was standing right here, love intertwined as He would say "go and sin no more." This time....this time I don't want to do it again. But I find myself feeling not so bad that I did it at all. I mean, I do feel bad, but maybe not as bad as I should.. I don't want to apologize. I've always wanted to apologize before.
Please pray for me, friends. I really desperately need it.