This post will probably be erratic, messy, and maybe incoherent at times. Because there is so much to disband from my brain and SO much I am just in awe of.
For starters, can I just say that I CANNOT believe that it is 2015! I cannot believe it's 2015, that I have a 6 month old, or that I'm still here. No, really. I honestly cannot believe I'm still here. There really were times, in my darkest moments within my depression, that I didn't think I'd make it.
Last year was a potpourri of emotions, happenings, and many life changes. Some of the things we planned for didn't happen, and as usual, some of the things we didn't plan for happened.
My recovery has been going pretty well. I have moments where voices from negative people still float around in my head and shout louder than the truth. I second-guess myself more than I used to still, but I am aware of it more than I used to be. It's no longer paralyzing, what happened with the narcissist in hubby's family. I also have been more gentle with myself. I never, ever could see myself as a victim in any way. I've always been really strong (sometimes to a fault), and so actually BEING a victim of any kind was really difficult for me. Some people, who really have no clue about people with psychiatric disorders and how they affect family members, might find it odd that I even speak of this. But let's be real here. Narcissism is a real personality disorder, and it really hurts people. Suffice it to say, I'm SO glad I no longer have to deal with that person any longer, and that I can keep my children from being hurt by her again also... And my whole world is more peaceful because of my recovery. I am no longer a victim! Bonus: The Lord has used this happening in my life to teach me so much about myself, and about forgiveness.
Also, okay, so number six! Number six just turned six months old last week. I really can't believe it. She is just about crawling and sometimes when I see her get up on "all fours," I secretly want to push her over. Not yet, baby, not yet! But at the same time, I secretly want her to hurry up and get to be...oh, I don't know...five years old, maybe?? Because of my current issues with noise and touch, my sensitive nerves, I often have a difficult time with having a baby who is so so so needy and dependent upon me. So, yes, sometimes, I do wish she'd grow up a little bit faster.. But not too fast.. And not really. I'm not that mom. There are still people who haven't met her but it's appearing more and more that we probably will never see those people ever again anyway. Jury is still out on that one. Glad I don't get to or have to make that call, though! Sheesh! Load off my already-full plate, let me tell ya!
Speaking of growing up too fast.. Oy! My oldest turned ten in November and I just.can't.believe.it! TEN. She seems so grown up. In fact, she is the one in too much of a hurry to grow up. It's so hard for me. She is the inspiration for a new work, actually, one of the reasons my post will be long... and it will be my last.
Yes, I said it. This will be my last post here. Don't worry, I've mentioned before that I am under no impression that my blog matters that much. But just in case it matters to you, I'll apologize in advance..... but I DO have good news... Read on to hear it!
But for a moment...back to everything else...
Hubby, unbeknownst to me, decided in November of 2013 that he was going to give up drinking. His drinking was never a huge issue for us. He wasn't that guy. However, he apparently got to a point where he realized that it was a problem for him. He realized that alcoholism is something that runs in his family and it is something he shouldn't just sweep under the rug. It was something he decided he had to be proactive about. So he decided, sometime after his last drink on Thanksgiving Day in 2013, that he would drink no more. I honestly am not sure *when* he decided this because, like I said, he didn't tell me. I actually made a wife-of-an-"alcoholic" faux pa and bought some wine months and months later, which is when I found out he had quit. Ooops! In any case, it has been really good for him. He just celebrated a year of sobriety this past November. I am so proud of him, in reality, because it shows how aware he is of himself and his life, and how mature he is to make that decision, especially when others in his family cannot. This isn't, I don't think, a definitely permanent decision. I think it will depend on his ability to work through issues and then decide for himself if he needs to continue with not ever touching another drink. Like I said, he wasn't an alcoholic but foresaw himself heading down that road if he didn't change his game so for now, it's no drinks at all. Either way, I'm beyond proud of his maturity and self-awareness in this, and so grateful for his wisdom.
What else?? Ok, so, yeah, still poor! Last season for our business was ridiculous. Because of hubby's injuries, he could hardly work. Being self-employed means no unemployment for back up. Our savings dwindled and we found ourselves in some very tough spots. Currently, we are in the toughest spot we have ever ever ever been in. To be honest, it's downright terrifying at times. BUT, and this is the point of my even mentioning it, I'm here to tell ya: THE LORD IS GRACIOUS AND MERCIFUL! And He even cares about the smallest things in our lives. He shows us His love in such amazing ways. For instance... Yesterday, I accidentally broke the glass mixing bowl to my mixer. I use my mixer often so I won't lie, it was devastating. Not only because it broke but because I can't afford to replace it. When it broke, I literally sat on my floor and cried. Freaked my kids out a bit but I think by now, they're used to seeing me cry so it couldn't have been too traumatic for them...
So, yeah. This is how much MY GOD loves ME! He placed it on my siblings' hearts to take pity on my plight and go in together to buy me a new one, stainless steel to avoid future accidents! It's these little things...the things that come as a beacon of light in our seriously dark and murky waters as we wait for whatever the Lord has planned for us. I think back to a week or so ago, to an incident at my sister's house. My little rambunctious 2 1/2 year old decided he wanted to throw his cousin's "My First Piggy Bank" on the floor. It broke, of course. So as I'm picking up the pieces of ceramic from the pile of change scattered across the floor, I started crying. I tried to hide it because at first I wasn't even sure why I was crying, and because well..what the heck?! I was crying because I realized I couldn't even offer to replace the little piggy bank. I silently asked God why this happened when He knew I wouldn't be able to fix it. I just about had had enough at that point! It's humbling to me that my glass bowl broke, just a few days' shy of my daughter's 7th birthday no less. Cake and frosting will be made with the strength of my mommy muscles!
In any case, I'm so grateful to the Lord for His kindness, and to my sibs for allowing His presence in their lives to extend such generosity. I'm serious, you all, it really made the fact that we can't pay many of our bills THAT much more easy of a pill to swallow. When my sister sent me a message to tell me they were getting it for me, it's almost as if the words really read, "My dearest child, do not worry! You are so valuable to me. I desire to show you how much so. Your smallest concern is my biggest. Love, God" A little love note indeed.
And along those lines, I just want to say that I am also so so incredibly grateful to other people in our life who allowed the Lord to use them to comfort us. You know who you are!! Prayer warriors, church family, wonderful friends.. We have been practically spoiled by prayers, food, money, love, words of encouragement and wisdom, just so much generosity from the hearts of so many people in our life. Not only does it humble us, and remind us that God the Father of all the Universe cares for us, that these people, some even STRANGERS, care as well. And it makes the sting of people who reject us and want no part of our lives that much less painful. THIS is the body of Christ, moving and active and alive in our life right now. I pray every single day that one day, even if things change only slightly, that we'll be able to give back, to be on the giving end of this Body once again. I am certainly reminded of the Lord's promises in Mathew 6:25-34.
Also, my brother, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in the last quarter of last year, had brain surgery and has recovered well. This is the second sibling of my six siblings to have this rare, non-genetic tumor. It sort of sobers one sometimes, especially when thinking of the neurological issues I've had and several other siblings also have, such as seizure activity. So far, I'm the only one (I think) who has gotten another MRI to check for a tumor (wouldn't that be crazy if THREE of us had it when it's so so rare for even two of us to??!!) and have come up with nothing.. That's right, they found nothing. Not a thing. Not even my brain. (ba-dun-dun-chhhhh) Yeah I looked that up. Um...what? Oh, so my brother's tumor was not cancerous and he is expected to not have any reoccurring problems, as far as I know. He went back to Texas before Thanksgiving, and we miss him and his family so terribly much! But so happy and thankful to Almighty God that they were able to remove the entire tumor and that it was not cancer!!!
Ok, so...let's see... Homeschooling is trucking along. Hubby and I just celebrated ten years of marriage a little over a month ago. Possibly renewing our vows sometime this year, hopefully in the Spring if the Lord allows it. Still haven't moved, but depending on job ops Hubby is looking at, and where our path leads, that might be in our near future as well. Whether it's the land we've been dreaming of or not, that's obviously up to the good Lord as well. We just keep praying that the desires of our hearts conform to His holy will, and that we can continue to be His servants in whatever form He so desires. I will tell you that this time of "neediness" has proven to be a cleansing time, a period of much stripping away and making new. I'm kinda excited to see what's next, no matter what it is!
Ok, so, now for the "good news." While this is my last post on this blog, I am moving to a new one. My darling Angelina (my oldest), has been a little inspiration to the bigger desire of my heart to write about parenting on a different level. Her life story has sparked in me something which I hope the Lord will guide and use for His purposes, if I can be so blessed for Him to do so. I am not sure when I'll get the new blog up and running but I did at least form it. So you can find it in blogger under my name. If for some reason you are unable to find it, email me and I will be happy to give you the link!
If you happened upon my blog by some random search, I'm glad you found me. I can't say that this blog is much of anything exciting but perhaps the Lord guided you here for some reason, and hopefully something here will be encouraging or inspiring to you in your life. Feel free to visit my new blog (listed in blogger under my name) if you wish. If you are a friend or family, I appreciate your encouragement and support over the years and hope to see you as a follower of my new blog. Please pray for me, friends! I always need it!
and just for fun: